Get Out

Life vs. living

I haven’t felt the urge to publish any of the happenings of my life here on the internet for a while. Who reads this, anyway? But every now and then, something just smacks me in the brain. BOOM! And something is revealed that I didn’t even know could be anymore complex or beautiful.

About a week ago, I read some words from David while he was in the Desert of Judah. I wasn’t feeling any lessons or historical texts, I wanted some quick satisfaction from an emotional Psalm. I found this:

“O God, you are my God,

earnestly I seek you;

my soul thirsts for you,

my body longs for you,

in a dry and weary land

where there is no water.

I have seen you in the sanctuary

and beheld your power and your glory.

Because your love is better than life,

my lips will glorify you.

I will praise you as long as I live,

and in your name I will lift up my hands.

My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;

with singing lips my mouth will praise you.” 

I love it, it was highlighted all over from times before, and I typed it up on those post it notes you add to your desktop. Sure, it’s beautiful and inspirational and all that.

For the past week or maybe longer, death has also been on my mind more than usual. I mean the fear of death. Fear for anyone I know that’s around me, my brothers and sisters, parents, distant family members. I’ve been oddly suspicious and expecting to hear some bad news and feel some devastation like I’ve never felt in my life.

I’ve been thinking “Gods love is better than life”, as in all the things that constitute my own reality. The same “life” that so many people argue for their rights to keep, but really it’s not their heartbeat and existence they’re talking about.

I love it. God’s love is also better than being alive. How in the world can I ever grasp that? I don’t doubt it, but it’s so much bigger than my daily mix of taking showers and making sandwiches and checking my Facebook.

This is how I know God works all around me. He works in everything that happens, and I see it in little coincidences and big revelations and emotions and dull moments in history. And here I am, alive, and there’s something even better.

All Ready for School

I’m free. I feel okay, maybe a little confident. I’m comfortable with the facts - and more comfortable in the packaging I put myself into every day. No more looking in the mirror with a blank stare at my awkward ensemble because I don’t know what I want to present to you.

I have something under my clothes, I have something to give, I want you to know me. Judge me, I’m comfortable. Figure me out, I’m not lying.